Terrible Life Lessons from Twilight

Twilight is over. Finally. We learned a lot from Twilight: Male vampires look a little girly. Female vampires look a little stripper-y. And all vampires have confusing hair.

I have read all four of the books, and heaven help me, I have seen all five of the movies. I don't want to talk about it, okay? But I did learn something from reading Twilight. And that is that teenage girls should never read these books. If you are a teenage girl and you are reading this book, don't be sad. Just put the book down and read this post instead, m'kay?

So, here we go - the Top 3 Terrible Life Lessons From Twilight.

Lesson # 1: Only boys matter. Nothing else. Boys boys boys. Boyssssssssssss.

This might come across as a little... I'm scared to say it... feminist. I am not the girl you see in photographs burning her bra and refusing to walk through doors opened by a man. But I am a fan of women having... what's the word I'm looking for... a brain. Yes, brains are the best and every girl should acquire at least one. Unfortunately, the main character in this series, Bella Swan, does not have one. What's even more unfortunate is that she is the one who narrates the entire series so it boils down to listening to a really dull love story as told by the best and brightest from the Daisy Elementary kindergarten class.

Bella has absolutely no identity outside of her boyfriend. Truly. She is the one TELLING us the story and I know exactly three things about her: 1) She likes depressing novels. 2) She thinks pale is the new tan. 3) She has a terrible mother. Other than that, nada. Homegirl doesn't even have a middle name until the last book. I like to picture her as a Muppet, bopping along until her boyfriend gently redirects her to the mall. A friend-less, family-less, extremely dull Muppet.

Lesson # 2:  Do not fret over challenges of any kind - they will be solved for you. 

Look, I like getting help as much as the next gal. When my husband comes home and insists on cleaning the kitchen for me, I don't fight too hard before sitting on the couch with my Dr. Quinn reruns. But Twilight takes it to a whole new level. Need a bajillion dollars? These people have endless amounts of money. At one point Bella takes about fifty thousand dollars - from what appears to literally be a pile of money in a closet - and no one notices. Or, hey, wouldn't it be convenient if one of the characters could read minds? Ooh, what if one could see the future? Twilight leaves no inconvenience unconquered.

The problem with this is that it's... well, it's annoying. Every time Stephenie Meyer remembers to write a conflict, she gets too excited and writes a resolution about two paragraphs later. There is no suspense. There is no OMG NO WAY. There is just happy, happy rich vampires. Even when ~~SPOILERRRR~~ Bella becomes a vampire, there is no adjustment for her. She is instantly the most terrificest vampire to ever haunt the earth.

Lesson # 3: Eating people is totally cool. Just, you know, try to stop.

So in the books - and I hate myself for knowing this - the main vampire family only eats animals. But at some point, every one of them has snacked on a bus driver or nun or neighbor. Bella, the eternal genius, makes her peace with this in about twelve seconds. I am still creeped out by it. You have a family who has openly admitted to eating, not one, but several people, and you're going to marry into it? On purpose? Without coercion or threats? You crazy.

But it's okay. It's all in the past. Eating people was soooo last century and now the vampires vow to never harm humans again.

You know, until they eat all the buffalo in the area and get hungry again.

Really, vicious murders aside, they're terrific people.