The App of Shame

Do you drink a lot of water? I find that when I ask this question (yes, I do ask this question a lot), people fall into one of two camps: Either water is omg the best thing ever and you should love water and do you have any water and is that water I see can I please have some, or water is the single worst thing to ever exist and when Jesus returns to this earth the first thing he will do is get rid of that foul liquid so we can finally be happy. 

I was more in the second camp until recently. I like water but I looooove so many other things. But being pregnant means you have to stay hydrated and something about health and other stuff, too, so back to water I went. I drink a lot of water. A. Lot. Exactly how much, you wonder? Thanks for asking; it's hard to segue into this next part unless someone asks. I drink about 100 ounces a day. I know this because I have an app on my phone that tells me how much I have had (after I tell it) and tells me how much I need to be hydrated according to my height and weight and hair color. Easy peasy, right? 

Wrong. 

See, as I have stated previously, I am not the kind of person who is motivated by goals. Or by anything, really. I need to lose 20 pounds by my birthday? Okay! Or not! Either one is okay with me! But I always start out motivated. Sometimes I'm even really motivated. As was the case when I originally started using my hydration app. But now, several weeks later, I find myself falling off the wagon, as they say, and while I want to get back on... meh. I still drink a lot of water. But the thrill of adding it to my phone has faded somewhat. And I have realized this is true of so many apps I have used in the past... running, couponing, even Pinterest. Looking back over my lack of motivation I have noticed a pattern, which I will now present to you chronologically. Why? Because I can. 

Day 1: 

New app! It was free! Yay!!! I will now spend the next hour filling out every single question and meticulously typing in my info so I can get started! Weeeeeeeeeeee! Now to choose a username! Oh, if I do a good job I get either a bronze, silver, or gold medal! I bet I can make it to gold every day! 

Day 2: 

Boy, this new app sure is fun! And my user name is awesome: TheHydrator1986. I am a genius. Now to add all of my water so I can get a medal! Wow, up to bronze already? I am so awesome. And it makes a happy sound when I reach a new medal!!!!!11111!!!

Day 3: 

Oops! Almost made it all the way to lunch without putting in my water intake! Silly. There we go. No medal yet? Hmm... I will chug some water right now... type it in... MEDAL, SCORE. 

Days 4-6:

Oh, shoot - I haven't added any water since yesterday. But I know I drank a lot. Probably at least as much as the day before. I'll just say that; it's not like the app knows (or does it?). Okay, silver medal. Not as good as gold but still respectable, right? 

Days 7-9:

Argh. I have absolutely no idea how much water I have had. It felt like a lot. Should I also count the Diet Coke I had? I mean, it hydrated me, right? Sure. That's science. Okay, show me the gold, show me the gold... huh. Bronze. Well, that's okay. It's ridiculous to expect someone to get gold every day. Even Gabby Douglas went home with a few silvers, amirite? 

Day 10: 

Okay, I have to stop lying to the app. The point is to drink a lot of water and lying isn't helping. No more lying. 

Day 11: 

Maybe just a little more lying.

Days 12-14: 

Seriously, I don't see why this is such a big deal. It's just water. I drink plenty. This app doesn't know my life. Maybe if the APP had a baby who needs a lot of attention and a sink full of dirty dishes it wouldn't be so quick to judge my lack of water intake. Get off your high horse, hydration app. 

Day 15:

I will just move the app to the last section on my phone. That way I don't have to see its angry, condescending glare every time I unlock my phone. 

Day 16: 

I can still sense the app...waiting for me, asking me why I give up so easily. Be quiet, you stupid app. You don't know me. You don't know ANYTHING. I GOT SIX GOLD MEDALS. SIX. 

Fine, it was five. 

Day 17:

Delete app. Eat brownie. 

So there you have it: The quick descent from motivation into apathy. I'm actually really impressed that it only takes me a couple of weeks to make such a drastic change. Maybe I am more motivated than I thought. Maybe I am THE most motivated quitter that ever was. That can be my thing. That will earn me a real gold medal!!! 

I'm thirsty. 

Life Lessons from Dove Chocolate

I love Dove Chocolate. I try to pretend that I don't, but the bag of them currently residing in my desk drawer has pretty much let that cat out of the bag, so now I'm just embracing it. This bag came with delicious candies, and printed on the candy wrappers is some good, sound advice for life. By "good, sound advice" I mean "please, nobody follow this unless you're being held at gunpoint advice." I have decided to pass the wisdom on to you in the hope that you, too, may learn to appreciate tasty candy but ignore stupidity.

1) Keep the promises you make to yourself
Okay, I think we can all agree that nobody does this. New Year's Resolutions, anyone? And what if you promise to mass murder at least 75,000 people before the week is over? Or that you're going to try Beverly at the World of Coke? That's not helpful to anyone. I think it could at least be modified to say "Keep the legal and non-threatening promises you make to yourself."

2) Take a deep breath and exhale
This is not life advice. This is direction on how to literally stay alive.

3) Engage, embrace, enjoy
Lather, rinse, repeat. This one is a little vague for my tastes. Engage...I should get engaged? I'm married! SO, Dove, you want me to leave my husband??!! Shame on you. Embrace - I don't like hugs that much. Okay, that's a lie. I like hugs but I am the world's most awkward hugger. So I'm still going to have to give this one a "meh" on the life advice scale. And enjoy what, exactly? The engaging and embracing? Everything? The candy? I do enjoy the candy. That one can stay.

4) Lose yourself in a moment
As someone who gets lost easily, I do not appreciate this. I do not want to lose myself. I like myself. When I can't find me, I get confused. I eat a lot of ice cream and cry until I come back. Then when I am back, I live in constant fear of losing myself again. It's a vicious cycle.

5) Love rules, without rules
This makes absolutely no sense. First of all, inserting a comma into random places in a sentence doesn't make you look smarter. It makes you look like you don't know how to use a comma. Also, I fail to see what life-altering revelation this will bring you. Love is awesome when you don't have rules? What rules? Is it rules in general or rules specifically about love? Because if you think being in love with someone can keep you from getting hit by a bus when you jaywalk, I'm here to tell you you're wrong. Or maybe it's saying "love" and "without" both rule equally. No, that makes less sense than the first thing. I think this could be amended to "Love is great. Look both ways."

6) Indulge your every whim
Oh, yeah, this is fantastic advice. It's philosophies like this that have created a world where Britney Spears is a mother.

7) Live your dreams
Dove, if you had any idea what I dreamed about, you would retract this statement immediately. Last night I dreamed I was stuck in an amusement park and wearing wool underwear. Earlier this week I dreamed I got fired from work. Last month I dreamed I had missed Harry Potter coming out in theaters. My dreams suck and I do not want to live them, Dove. What about people who dream they fall of cliffs or are chased by evil bus drivers (last one is mine again)? I doubt anyone wants to spend their life being chased by an evil bus driver in a trench coat.

But the candy is delicious.