Welcome to the Elevelds'

Daniel and I are going on vacation for <UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT OF TIME> at <UNDISCLOSED LOCATION>. Yay! In order to allow our cats to live while we do this, we are asking some friends to come over and make sure there is enough food, water, people to glare at, etc.

When we watched the house/cats for one of these friends, she thoughtfully put together a very helpful information sheet with details about the cats, her house, contact information, and more! I've decided to return the favor:

WELCOME TO THE ELEVELDS'.

Hello, Monica and LeeAnn. Thank you for watching our cats. We've spoken to them about it and they're all sorts of excited about seeing you. They might look angry but that is just their love language. Below are a few ground rules and expectations regarding your time with our feline friends. Please let me know if you have any questions.

~ As Monica's house is clean enough to perform surgery in at any given time, and LeeAnn could organize the home of a group of wild blind orphan monkeys, I expect my house will not be quite as "clean" or "mold-free" as you're used to. We think it adds personality. If, however, this is a serious issue for you, please feel free to clean at any time. We have some Tide-to-Go sticks in the pantry. They might be old.

~ You might notice loose change on the floor, dryer, counter, etc. Please do not remove this change from the surface on which you find it. We are firm believers in being prepared for an emergency and at any given time can access at least $1.17 just by walking down the hallway.

~ We have two cats. One is large enough to pull a covered wagon while the other one is so small we often have to play "Marco! Polo!" in order to ascertain her whereabouts. Feel free to play with with her. Or just let her stay lost. She seems to like it.

~ To feed them, we put food into a big bowl. The little cat, Robin, is absolutely not kidding around when it comes to getting her meals so we find a larger bowl keeps the bloodshed down to a minimum. The big bowl lives on top of the washer. The food also lives there. We don't do a ton of laundry.

~ We give them water in an even BIGGER bowl. This is usually because the dog shares it with them. Also because we forget to give them water every day so we find it best to give them a few days' worth at a time, just in case. Feel free to report us to the animal agency of your choice.

~ As Daniel works with lots of small metal pieces, you will likely find these everywhere in the house. I vacuumed as far as the cord would stretch, which is the living room and about half the hallway, so you should be safe until then. If being barefoot is very important to you, you will find paper towels in the kitchen and can make a path throughout the house that is free of small metal dangers.

~ Strewn throughout the house you will find many weapons and accessories, including but not limited to: two swords, a machete, various guns, a bow and arrow, possibly another machete, a few Japanese scary sticks, several airsoft guns, and enough bullets to supply a military bunker. If any of these make you uncomfortable, I recommend playing with them for a while to get used to them. The broadsword is especially fun.

~ We can't find the remote. Let us know if you see it.

~ We only have two cats. A third one hangs out on our porch sometimes. It looks like Batman, the fat cat. It is NOT Batman. Do not attempt any cuddling. It doesn't like cuddling. Only our porch.

~ Please note my talent at carefully arranging our pictures to be "eclectically organized." You can tell me in person how much you loved it, or leave a note/gift that conveys your level of envy at my mad decorating skillz.

I think that's it for now. Please review this list carefully and see me with any questions. We have nothing but peanut butter and I think some Pringles but it's all yours for the taking! Thank you for your service to your friends, your country, and your local domestic pets.

~Kristen and Daniel

Please note the trash in both the left and right corners of the picture. 

Family Reunion

I’ve got three eyes; my mom has nine.
People tease her all the time.
Although I guess that’s not as bad
As the awkward five arms on my dad.

Uncle Jim has one eye straight,
The other’s looking at the lake.
Aunt Marie was his nice wife,
Before she became Uncle Mike.

Then we have my cousin Paul,
Who somehow is his own grandpa.
That’s not as bad as cousin Joe—
He’s still counting all his toes.

Grandma Cat is worse off, too.
She has a hard time finding shoes.
It might be hard for me as well
If I had to wear a men’s size twelve.

Mick and Rick get no respect
Since they’re joined up at the neck.
One leg each, it seems unfair
When each one wants to go somewhere.

And of course let’s not forget
My favorite cousin Margaret.
Her hair glows bright, it is so nice
Since the treatment for the lice.

It is so convenient, too
To be related six ways to Great-Aunt Ruth.
It doesn’t bother me too much;
I think it adds a special touch.

So now you know; it’s not a trick.
For a joke, it’d be quite sick.
But, see, it doesn’t bother me;
This is just my family.

People think that it’s too bad
That our family looks so sad.
But if you haven’t heard by word of mouth
That’s how we do it in the South.

Fireworks for the 13th of August...

I am currently listening to fireworks go off outside my window. At first I thought they were gunshots (which makes just as much sense to me), but as I listened harder, I decided that most gunshots don't start with a "weeeeeeeee" sound. At least I don't think they do. Daniel would be so proud of me. For those of you who don't know, he's a gunsmith. We've been together two years and I have yet to learn a single thing about guns. Well, that isn't totally true. I know what kinds of guns he has, and I know how to shoot the one, and yesterday I learned that a Saga is a cool gun because it is fed by a magazine and not by a tube. I have no idea if that makes sense but that's what I heard Daniel say. He tries to teach me, he really does. I think it's just like calculus for me. Never gonna happen but I respect those who understand it.

Anyway. Fireworks on August 13th. Why, you ask? Well, amidst the strangeness of our apartment complex, this is really just another thing to add to the list. We've been weirded out by way more interesting stuff than this.

Like our neighbors, whom we affectionately refer to as "those shirtless bald guys." Two men live across from us. Every time we seem them, they are shirtless. Every time. They grill out shirtless, they walk around shirtless, they wave me on ahead of them in the parking lot...shirtless. They grin a lot at us but never say anything, except for when Shirtless Guy #1 said "No problem" in response to me literally running into him on the stairs one day. That was awkward. And, yes, he was shirtless, if you were wondering. It's not that I find the shirtlessness uncomfortable, it's... no, you know what, I do find it uncomfortable. I'm barely comfortable seeing people in swimsuits at the pool. I might be a prude, but by golly, that is who I am, and when these guys are shirtless 24x7 it unnerves me, like their shirtlessness might be lurking around any corner (or on the stairs), waiting to make me uncomfortable. Do all men do this? Maybe I'm just out of touch. Enlighten me, men.

Another weird thing in our neighborhood is "that lady we almost always hit." A few weeks ago, a lady stopped Daniel on the sidewalk and blocked him from the car, then demanded a ride to a bus stop twenty miles away. He was coming to pick me up and said he was very sorry, he couldn't take her. She didn't like this and wouldn't move. He offered to call a taxi for her. No. He offered to PAY for her taxi. No, no, and no. She was so angry that he wouldn't just drive her - after all, "THAT'S WHAT NEIGHBORS DO."(btw, she does not live in our neighborhood...) Eventually he managed to step around her, and even though she stood behind the car to stop him, she finally left.

We thought that was the last of her. However, we each keep seeing her, and every time we almost hit her. Not out of anger or frustration, but because she literally steps in front of the car to stop you. Every. Time. She just lurks in the front of the neighborhood and then jumps out in front of us (and I'm sure our neighbors). We have offered to drive her to the nearest bus stop, call a taxi, steal a horse and watch her ride off into the sunset, but no. She only wants a ride to one specific place that is always twenty miles away. My main question is, when she gets to the place that is twenty miles away, why does she keep coming back here? How is she getting here? And why is she talking to her hand?

Then there is our manager's office. They are, in theory, open about 35 hours a week. They are actually there maybe 10 of these hours, and can help you with your problem about half of one of those hours. For instance, on Sundays they are open from 1-4, according to the sign. If you get there at 1, a lady inside will wave at you and make hand gestures indicating you should come back later. Okay. So you come back at 3:30... oops, they're closed. The best bet is to go in the middle of the hours, but not too close to the middle, because that is their break. The laundry room is open 12 hours a day. The machine where you put money on your laundry card to run the machines is open about two hours a day, from maybe 10-12. And the hours they are open is like a scaled-down version of the California Gold Rush, because everyone knows they either have to charge their laundry cards then, not wear underwear for a week, or use the extremely creepy laundromat down the road. I would definitely go with the no underwear, just to give you an idea of the options.

But we do have nice fireworks.