Hello

Last year I decided to post while on Lortab - I am nothing if not a good decision-maker.

I'm sorry to say I fell off the wagon again. On Saturday night my back muscles began to spasm, leaving me in tears and everlasting sorrow. Also a lot of whining. I went to the doctor and he gave me a happy muscle relaxer. You'd think I'd be familiar with every narcotic out there considering my family's recent history. Alas, no.

Hey, I just used the word alas while on a muscle relaxer. Look at me go.

ANYway, I thought I would bring you another drug-induced post so you can show it to your children to warn them away from doing drugs and/or spasming their muscles. No idea if spasming is a word. If it is, you have to bring me a cookie. If it isn't, you have to bring me a cookie. I don't care about the word as long as I get a cookie out of it.

Recently I was going through old pictures on my phone and found some fun things, including documentation of my dad's burgeoning stripper career.  I have continued my quest of clearing out my phone and stumbled across a few other great items. For instance...

'allo.

That is my cat, Batman. In the words of Ferris Bueller, he is a righteous dude. Except for every picture I have of him makes him look like he is possessed by Satan and/or Michael Jackson. This is one of many attempts to take a nice picture so I can complete my status as crazy cat lady and put a picture of my pets on my wall. Maybe if I put it next to a picture of Nick Nolte this photo won't look so shocking. 

Don't worry - this one wasn't in my phone.

Another great picture I found in my phone was this one:

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email from the future. It was sent to me on August 31st at 12:03 pm, but said September 1st instead. It was weird. And for a few minutes my mind ran through all of the possibilities that some time-traveling terrorist was sending me scary messages that contained things like, "At this time tomorrow someone will jump out and scare you. Also they will spill syrup on you and you will not be able to get it off for days. Muahahaaaaa." I was ready to send this picture to the police and request protection.

But this message was blank and Daniel pointed out it was either from a different time zone or their computer was just messed up. He is such a killjoy. But he so cute I don't even care. 

And the very favorite picture I found so far was one that not only sums up mine and Daniel's personalities, but our friendships and marriage as well. Enjoy. 

"Join us."

Holy Weirdness, Batman

Batman is currently licking our floor. No particular reason. Just thinks wood is tasty, I guess. Or maybe I should say "wood" since I don't think our craptastic apartment complex sprang for the expensive stuff.

In case you don't know (and I really hope you don't, because it makes the first sentence so much better), Daniel and I recently adopted a stray kitten. We named it Betty, and after the vet educated us on girls and boys, we renamed him Batman. Yes, I know that I am writing a post about my cat, and how sad that is. Give me a break; at least it isn't about Dr. Quinn this time. That one is for tomorrow.

I don't like cats. I have never liked cats. I never saw the point. With a dog, a monkey, a ferret, you get to play with them and take them on walks (yes, ferrets can go on walks - and check out that picture on the right...) and they are so excited to see you. With cats, they sit there while you sit there, and then they walk on your computer and scratch you for having the audacity to uncross your legs.

But when I saw little Batman, all by his lonesome on our deck and just wanting someone to wuv him, I had to help him. I told my husband about him and he said I could feed it, just not near our house so the cat wouldn't hang around. I forgot that pretty quick and the cat started hanging around. Then Daniel said don't pet it because I would get attached. I accidentally petted it. Then he begged me not to pick it up because there would be no going back. You can guess where this story ends. Us with a mystery-gendered cat, trying to figure out how to put everything in our tiny apartment onto a really high, really non-existent ledge.

Now, though, I love Batman. Still hate cats. But this one is okay. Except... I think he might have some emotional/mental issues. This is the strangest cat I've ever encountered. We have a spray bottle that we use when he climbs onto the table. It works great. But after I spray him and set the bottle down, the little weirdo sidles up to the bottle as if he is seducing it, then cuddles with it and starts to purr. If I set the bottle on the table, he stares at it as though it is the Holy Grail of Kittens. I don't know if the bottle is an old flame or just reminds him of the thrill of getting in trouble. To each his own, right?

He also likes to lie in wait under our bed, wait for us to get all cozy under the covers, and then launch himself onto our comforter, taking delight in my screams while Daniel does a remarkable impression of someone being hit with a flamethrower. Since he's all black, we can't see him... until it's too late. I can't even tell if he's facing toward me or away from me when the lights are off. But I'm pretty sure his head spins all the way around anyway so it probably doesn't matter.

"The darkness pleases me."

Today, Batman become less of a man and more of a Pat. He has done pretty well, except he is as high as a kite, which we're finding to be enjoyable. He kind of ambles around, listing to one side, and every so often he tries to jump up onto the couch but soon gives up - the carpet is pretty comfy, anyway. But the funniest thing is that he really isn't all that different than usual, except for the random snacking of cardboard boxes and the inability to escape from them:

First attempt to get out...

...ehhh, who wants to leave a box anyway, right?

Daniel took mercy on him and helped him out... then Batman started eating the box. 

But, hey, he's cute, right? That gets him pretty far. You can always acquire skills but cuteness is paramount to getting ahead in this crazy, mixed-up world. We get to give him more drugs again in 33 minutes... I'm excited. 

Lortab Post!

Well, everyone, due to some tummy troubles, I have been prescribed Lortab for pain. Why does spellcheck not recognize Lortab? Am I spelling it wrong? My mom would know. Mom, is it wrong?

...anyway, I've been trying not to take too much but I did have one earlier tonight. And then a thought came to me: What better way to delight my millions of fans than by writing a post while high?? So here we are.

I don't like the feeling that Lortab gives me. It's sort of a win-lose, because I trade stomach pain for feeling like the whole room is tilted at a 90-degree angle. And my stomach still hurts so really it's a lose-lose. Or, as Michael Scott might say, a lose-lose-lose. If you don't watch The Office, don't start now because I don't like it anymore. But watch the one where he talks about the win-win-win situation because that one is funny. Michael Scott isn't on The Office anymore :( That makes me sad. But like I said I don't watch it anymore so I'm not sure why I care. I guess I just miss the idea of Michael Scott.

I'm not 100% sure where I thought this post could go. But I can't sleep and Daniel is already asleep and no amount of me pretending to drop things is waking him. He has to get up early so I guess I will try to type quietly. He gets up at 5:15 every morning. Like the loving wife I am, I wake up for approximately 75 seconds to wish him a good day at work. Once I made him lunch, but I think I forgot to put bread on the sandwich so we went back to the 75-second goodbye. But he doesn't mind. He's a good husband. He really is. Not just because he doesn't mind me sleeping while he gets up but just in general. He always brings me Sprite. And if I have a bad day he watches Gilmore Girls with me. Although I am beginning to suspect that is more for him...

He also got me a nightlight! I don't like the dark. I'm blind and if I don't have my glasses on it takes me about 2.4 milliseconds to convince myself that every shadow on the room is an evil bad guy waiting to get me. Why they wait until I'm awake, I don't know. I don't pretend to understand their evil ways. My previous solution was to leave the bathroom light on all night. But the line shines right in Daniel's face while I sleep soundly on the other side. He put up with this for a long time before tactfully suggesting a nightlight. And he didn't get me just any nightlight - it changes colors and has FISH FLOATING INSIDE IT. It is very amazing and it is a bad guy repellent because not a single one has tried to attack me since I got the nightlight. Amazing, right?? If you don't think it's amazing, come over to my house and look at my nightlight. If you still don't think it's amazing I'll make you cookies.

So. Lortab. It's strange.