Life Lessons from Disney

I love Disney movies. I really do. I love them so much I have a whole playlist on my iPod that is dedicated to Disney and BFF Jen and I jam out to it on every road trip we take.  

But the last time I listened to my Disney playlist, I started thinking of how all of these Disney characters are, in theory, role models for children. Follow your dreams. Believe in yourself. Talk to animals and see if they talk back. And after some thought I realized that most of these Disney characters are complete morons. 

Just look at Pocahontas, for instance. She wants more in her life instead of the hum-drum marriage to Kocuom. Fair enough. And to show us just how excited she is, she sings to us about going around the river bend. Beautiful. Be free, Pocahontas. 

Then she literally gets to a river bend where she has to make a choice: Go the smooth route (aka, marry the dull guy) or fly like a bird in the wind. Except this is no longer a metaphor - she is literally deciding between taking the smooth route around the river or the terrifying, rock-filled, Native American-killing death route. Go the smooth route, you idiot. Is this really a consideration for you? You're so caught up in your desire for a super-cool life that you want to brave the rapids in your little cardboard canoe? Negative. You make bad choices. 

Totally worth the thrill. 

So let's move on to one of my favorite characters: Mulan. Oh, Mulan, you ignorant fool.  You are clearly intelligent. You are clearly clever. So why, WHY did you think that cross-dressing was your best option? Let's reason this out for a moment: You become a man. This is the first warning sign. It was way too easy for you to make that transition. To each his or her own. But seriously, girl, go talk to your school counselor. 

ANYway, you become a man, and then you join the army. I'm sorry; how is this supposed to work out? Do you think that cutting your hair and not showering also gives you the ability to fight a battle? Pumpkin, you're going to get killed. And then your dad is going to have to fight anyway. So maybe next time work on a new plan that involves accepting that life can be hard and talking dragons rarely have pure motives. 

And, yes, I know she did succeed. But only barely. And she had a lot of help. A lot. 

I rest my case. 

And last, but not least, Belle. Girl, you have got to stop going into strangers' houses. Who taught you that that was a good a idea? I know your mama didn't. It must be that fool of a father you have because he did the exact. same. thing. Seriously, don't go into strangers' houses. Definitely don't go into strangers' castles. And, for the love of Nancy, don't go into strangers' castles when it's dark and stormy outside.

And don't go into the West Wing, either! You clearly have some boundary issues. Yes, you're a prisoner due to a selfless sacrifice you made for your father. Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it. IN YOUR OWN SPACE. Just because you get rewarded for your shenanigans by getting to marry a sexy prince does not make it okay. 

Seriously, why would you want to go here anyway? You also have some thrill issues that concern me. 


Crazy broads, all of them. 

Movie. Reviews. Are Back.

Okay, to be totally fair, I always say the movie reviews are back and then I just write one because I saw a terrible movie and want everyone to suffer as I have suffered, and then I forget about them again. But it's my blog and I am in charge so that is how I'm doing it. Muahahaaaaa.

ANYway, back to the movie. I am the best wife ever. As are my friends Kassie and Amy. We sat and watched an absolutely terrible, ridiculous movie with our husbands. That movie was The Expendables. Fools, all of us. But we watched it and for the most part kept silent. Thank goodness for Pinterest and Facebook.

I managed to block it out and move on. And then, the unthinkable happened: They made a sequel. 

A. Sequel. 

And I even volunteered to see it. I know. Daniel was sad and I was trying to cheer him up.

This time, the cast of characters was widely varied: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, That British Guy Who Is Always In Action Films, Chuck Norris, Jean Claude van Damme, and Bruce Willis, who is Daniel's man-crush.

"Please. I'm every guy's man-crush."

So we find our heroes in the midst of an over-the-top and totally realistic, I'm sure gravity and the laws of physics just take a break once in a while action scene. They were in Nepal. Or Naples. Or the Netherlands. At any rate, they make it out of there juuuuust in the nick of time. And they have added a New Guy! He shoots things from far away. Nice. The former Governor of California also graces us with his presence, throwing in a few "I'll be back" one-liners to kick the giggles off. At first I thought it was only for laughs, but after he said a few other lines I realized that the famous ones are his best bet, since listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger speak is like listening to a kitten sing with marbles in its mouth.

They finish the mission and Jet Li suddenly realizes how far his career has dropped and decides to bail from the movie. Good for you, buddy. The rest of the team makes it back just in time for happy hour at the local Brew N' Stew, where The New Guy announces that after this month is over, he is also going to drop out of the club. He's a nice kid with a girlfriend and potential, so he clearly will not make it for the rest of the movie.

Sylvester leaves for home and finds none other than Daniel's man-crush waiting for him. Man-Crush says that Sylvester owes him because of something from the first movie. To pay him back, Sylvester must retrieve an item - and add a woman to his team. NOOOOOOOOOO. But he has no choice... apparently... and off they go.

On the way, The New Kid tells them a haunting tale of his time in the Army. I take that back - he tells them an extremely dull and uninspiring tale of his time in the Army, that, after several minutes of meditation on the subject, was found to have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the flipping story.

They land and, after some for serious we are not kidding around danger, find what Man-Crush has sent them for. But, alas - The New Kid has been caught in the mean time by Jean Claude Van Damme. Nice work.

After JCVD gets the item from the team, he lets them go and oh-so-casually knifes The New Kid on the way out. I like a man who can leave in style. The New Kid dies (told you), telling the team to get a letter to his French girlfriend. Which is written in English. Which we know because Sylvester reads the whole long thing out loud. Boundaries, Sylvester. You need boundaries. Also perhaps a face lift.

Now they not only have a mission - they have REVENGE to take care of. What is this new plan, you might wonder? "Track 'em, find 'em, and kill 'em." Ah. Very nice. I do enjoy a well-thought-out plan.

In the mean time, JCVD and his homies now hold the plans to a plutonium mine. Is there really such a thing? And if there was, would you keep every single detail about it on one computer? They are forcing the local villagers to dig for the plutonium for the purpose of... something, I'm sure. These kinds of plans make no sense to me. You A-bomb someone, someone else A-bombs you, and before you know it children everywhere are being told that all they have to do is hide under their desk and cry for a little while as they watch a cartoon turtle demonstrate proper safety procedures.

But I digress. 

The good guys set up camp but are soon attacked by what I can only guess is another country. I truly have no idea what country they're a) in, b) fighting for, or c) fighting against. I also don't care, which works out. At any rate, things aren't looking too good for the men (and lone woman) until suddenly all the bad guys are wiped out by an unknown source.

It's Chuck. Flipping. Norris.

Okay. I do enjoy me some Walker, Texas Ranger, so I can get on board with this. As long as he doesn't make any Chuck Norris jokes about himself... fail. It was a funny joke. But there is a FOURTH WALL and you are vomiting all over it, Chuck.

Chuck gives them some helpful information and then hits the road. The rest of the guys make their way to a town that is filled with only women, since all of the men have been taken to work the mines. When the evil guys come to the town to get more villagers (namely the children, nice), Sylvester and his team start throwing knives and shooting guns and back-flipping and pole-dancing and soon enough, they have won the day! (It may seem like I am flying by, here, but believe me when I tell you this movie is nowhere close to over.)

The good team goes after the men trapped in the mine to set them free, only to get trapped themselves. Good. Maybe they'll starve to death in there and I can go home. But Man-Crush and Arnold arrive to set them free, and, no, we never find out how they found each other, if this is the first time they've met, if they're secretly married, etc. This is not a movie you watch for the plot. Apparently.

"Nargghh dfjp dhdhq gttoook."

But now, the team must (still) find JCVD and get the plutonium from him and avenge The New Kid! Ooh, I bet this will be the most exciting scene of all.

They find JCVD at the airport, ready to load his planes. All of the bad guys are either zombies or in a video game because I know a saw a few of them die earlier. They open fire on the good guys and the good guys fire back, in spite of the fact that there are civilians all over the place. 

I can just read the headline now: "Team of Middle-Aged Men (and one incongruously young woman) Take Down Evil World Domination Plot; Also Kill 1400 Civilians."

Whatever.

Chuck Norris rejoins the party, and he and Arnold continue to make jokes about being back and fists hiding under beards and Rambo and please. Just. Stop. Sylvester leaves it to them to take care of the rest and follows JCVD, who is trying to sneak away on a plane.

Wonder of wonders, Sylvester catches up with him. They shoot for a few minutes before JCVD announces he is out of ammo and surrenders. Then Sylvester murders him and they all go home.

Just kidding. If only it were that simple.

No, instead JCVD challenges Sylvester to a real fight. A fight without weapons or gimmicks or scary background music. Gentlemen, and ladies, if you ever find yourself in this situation, shoot the bad guy. There is not a better plan. But Sylvester accepts the challenge and puts his guns away. Are you kidding me? You had a gun. You had TWO guns. But no, what are guns and a surefire victory compared to a possible chance of simultaneous victory and manliness? I started out rooting for you, Sylvester, because you are the good guy and heaven only knows you could use a few friends who aren't serial killers. But I wash my hands of you now. May the many unknown children you likely have be smarter than you.

As predicted, Sylvester and JCVD tumble for a few rounds before Sylvester finally finds some kind of chain (does your local airport not keep death chains in its hangars? Odd.) and uses it to beat the stuffing out of JCVD. Why are chains okay but guns are unfair? WHO WROTE THIS.

Sylvester finally delivers some poetic line about revenge and The New Kid and swords before killing JCVD and walking away like a boss in slo-mo.

Then they all go home. True story.

Can't make it to the movies? No worries. This little gem will be in the Redbox faster than you can say "Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits."

Hello

Last year I decided to post while on Lortab - I am nothing if not a good decision-maker.

I'm sorry to say I fell off the wagon again. On Saturday night my back muscles began to spasm, leaving me in tears and everlasting sorrow. Also a lot of whining. I went to the doctor and he gave me a happy muscle relaxer. You'd think I'd be familiar with every narcotic out there considering my family's recent history. Alas, no.

Hey, I just used the word alas while on a muscle relaxer. Look at me go.

ANYway, I thought I would bring you another drug-induced post so you can show it to your children to warn them away from doing drugs and/or spasming their muscles. No idea if spasming is a word. If it is, you have to bring me a cookie. If it isn't, you have to bring me a cookie. I don't care about the word as long as I get a cookie out of it.

Recently I was going through old pictures on my phone and found some fun things, including documentation of my dad's burgeoning stripper career.  I have continued my quest of clearing out my phone and stumbled across a few other great items. For instance...

'allo.

That is my cat, Batman. In the words of Ferris Bueller, he is a righteous dude. Except for every picture I have of him makes him look like he is possessed by Satan and/or Michael Jackson. This is one of many attempts to take a nice picture so I can complete my status as crazy cat lady and put a picture of my pets on my wall. Maybe if I put it next to a picture of Nick Nolte this photo won't look so shocking. 

Don't worry - this one wasn't in my phone.

Another great picture I found in my phone was this one:

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email from the future. It was sent to me on August 31st at 12:03 pm, but said September 1st instead. It was weird. And for a few minutes my mind ran through all of the possibilities that some time-traveling terrorist was sending me scary messages that contained things like, "At this time tomorrow someone will jump out and scare you. Also they will spill syrup on you and you will not be able to get it off for days. Muahahaaaaa." I was ready to send this picture to the police and request protection.

But this message was blank and Daniel pointed out it was either from a different time zone or their computer was just messed up. He is such a killjoy. But he so cute I don't even care. 

And the very favorite picture I found so far was one that not only sums up mine and Daniel's personalities, but our friendships and marriage as well. Enjoy. 

"Join us."

The Bourne Quesadilla

I went to go see the latest Bourne movie the other day. I have only seen 1.5 of the other movies but I figured nothing would make sense to me regardless so I was game. It was pretty good. I think. I'm actually not entirely sure what happened or why. But the girl from The Mummy was in it so that was fun.

The thing about those movies is that while I don't dislike them, I never walk away from them thinking, "I hope they have six sequels like Harry Potter did!" Daniel, on the other hand, loves them. He is all about Tactics and Strategy and Guns and Other Manly Things. He was so into it that all of my hilariously-timed jokes throughout the movie merely seemed to annoy him. Weird.

So I found a new way to occupy myself: I imagined Jason Bourne doing everyday things but as a crazy ninja spy. And then I found myself planning the next few Bourne movies and their subsequent trailers... **cue action hero music**

1) The Bourne Quesadilla: Jason Bourne is not someone you want to mess with on an ordinary day. But when you mess up his order at Taco Bell, you better prepare yourself for an intense showdown. It's Bourne vs. the teenage employees of the Suwanee Taco Bell in this epic thriller. Sure, Bourne is a trained killer - but these kids have hot sauce and aren't afraid to use it. Will Bourne get his order? Will the Taco Bell be able to continue serving others in a timely fashion while most of their employees shoot the AK 47s in the back? What will happen to the quesadilla? This summer, we all find out.

Tasty triangles or deadly throwing knives?

2) The Bourne Knitter: Knitting is an action-packed thrill. But when you add Jason Bourne to the mix, it becomes lethal. He doesn't like being told to knit one, pearl two - and he's going to do something about it. With two hooks, he's unstoppable - until he meets Granny Fincher, the meanest knitter on the Eastern seaboard. Will it come to blows with a sixty-two-year-old lady? Does she even stand a chance against his speed and agility? Or will he finally knit one blanket too many to make it through to the end? Christmas 2012: Prepare yourself for the knitting marathon of the century.

Will the beads be too much for our hero?

3) The Bourne Fisherman: Those fish may look calm. But beneath the blue-green tint of the Tennessee River, they are planning something sinister - and it is going to affect us all. The only one who can stop them is Jason Bourne. But ever since he fell out of his uncle's boat as a kid, he's feared the water. Now we're all counting on him, but the question remains: Can he brave his worst nightmare to save the world? Or we will all be swimming with the fishes sooner than we think? Catch this breath-taking thriller, in theaters this Thanksgiving.

Now Nemo's found us. And he isn't happy about it.

Look for all these and more in a theater near you.

1979

Have you ever seen the "new" Brady Bunch movies, the ones that make fun of the show? They're fabulous and you should totally watch them. One of my favorite parts is that even though the movie is set in present day (or the 90s; same difference), the Bradys are still living in the 70s - same clothes, same home decor, same phrases. And I can relate, because while the rest of the world was living in the 80s, 90s, and 2000s, my family and I were living in 1979.

See, my parents met in the 70s, got engaged in the 70s, and just liked the 70s so much they never left. It was more common to hear the Beatles playing in my house than the Black-Eyed Peas. I didn't even know who Fergie was until she had already rejoined the Black-Eyed Peas. And if you have no idea who I am talking about, don't try to find out - your brain cells are way too valuable to waste them on this.

ANYway, I didn't think much of this until I got to college and had virtually no idea who or what anyone was talking to when it came to music. I've never been a music fanatic or anything (don't tell my dad) so at first I thought I was just a little behind. But when I was literally the only person on my dorm room hallway who had no idea if The Real Housewives of Orange County was the same thing as Desperate Housewives, I realized I had missed more than I thought.

Looking back on it, it all makes sense. My parents raised us on their favorite music and shows - subsequently, I've seen every episode of Happy Days but have still never watched a full season of The Bachelor. And it was so much fun that I just never left my happy little hamlet of grooviness and loving each other, man. This is why I get along with all adults but can't have more than a 6-word conversation with people my own age. This is why Daniel, a self-admitted old man trapped in a young man's body, is perfect for me. And this is why, when in a conversation that I know nothing about, I have developed what I call the Nod And Smile - it appears that I am just as excited as you are about Snooki but inside I am wondering what season of The Waltons is playing on Hallmark this week.

This week on the Waltons: A problem arises that turns out to not be that big of a deal. Stay  tuned. 

But I'm okay with living in the 70s. It was a pretty far-out time, and gas was a lot cheaper. So if you ever have any questions about Journey, Little House on the Prairie, or the war, just give me a call - I do, at least, have a cell phone.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rg56gRJwZOc

Beauty and the Beast

I love this movie. Love, love, love. Belle was always my favorite Disney princess because she has brown hair and loves to read - just like me!!

The resemblance is uncanny, no?

I love this movie so much that tonight I went to go see it in 3-D!! It was fabulous. We looked really good in our glasses. Especially me because I was wearing my 3-D glasses over my regular glasses.

Daniel, who graciously agreed to see the movie with me, was understandably less thrilled than BFF Jen and I were about seeing a princess movie, and started his own running commentary throughout the movie. I noticed a pattern - he was going through all the plot holes of the movie, including but not limited to:

1) Why didn't Maurice just turn around when he knew he'd missed the turn?

2) How did Philippe get the Beast on his back and haul him all the way to the castle after the wolves attacked him? And what trauma did the Beast endure to make him fall unconscious... if a 90-pound woman can stomach it, so can he.

3) If the last petal falls on the Beast's 21st birthday, and they say in the song they've been waiting 10 years for the spell to be broken, this makes the Beast 11 when the spell was cast. But the painting of him is of a grown-up Beast. Daniel spent half the movie trying to figure this out. He came up with a few plausible solutions if you're interested.

I have heard these from other people as well, all wanting to know what Disney could have been thinking to leave out such obvious details. (Daniel gets a pass because he is a guy and I'm guessing this wasn't his favorite flick growing up. And because I think he's cute.) And while I am no stranger to the movie mockery... come on. Come on. Let's take a step back here for a minute. 

This is a movie about talking dishes and candlesticks and wardrobes. This is a movie where the cups not only talk to you, but offer sage life advice as well. Where an entire town is stalking one poor girl, waiting to see what book she will read next. Where no one is at all surprised at the revelation of a magic mirror and are totally on board with footrests that bark. And the biggest issue is that they might have gotten the Beast's age wrong? 

At best, this movie is a wonderful classic, full of happiness and true love and fabulous music. At worst, we are witnessing the effects of Belle dropping acid in order to get away from all the stresses of this provincial life. That would certainly explain the dancing spoons.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on the awesomeness instead.

Also, the Beast's name? Adam, according to Disney. You're welcome.