The Five Types of Facebookers

I spend a lot of time on Facebook. Like, a lot. I imagine my kids' first sentences will be something like, "Are you going to update your status soon, Empress of the Universe?" Also I will be teaching my kids to address me as Empress of the Universe. And since I not only spend a lot of time on Facebook but also have a degree in public relations, which means I am basically a Facebook expert, I have noticed a trend. The majority of Facebookers I see fall into at least one category, sometimes two. Sometimes three. I fear those people the most. And, lucky you, I have decided to share these categories for your benefit and enjoyment. Which one are you? Are you more than one? Tell me all.

The Liker:

This person may or may not comment, but as soon as your status goes up, you can count on them to click the "like" button to show their approval of your latest update. This person moves like a silent ninja, liking things all over the place, even if what they like makes no sense. Sometimes this person likes other peoples' comments - people they don't even know. The most terrifying power this person wields is the notifications. Oh, the notifications. There is nothing like opening up Facebook, clicking on your notifications, and seeing the same profile picture eighteen times in a row because The Liker has struck once again to express their approval for everything you have written in the last three hours. Well played, Liker. Well played.

The InstaCommenter:

I don't know how this person moves so quickly, but within five seconds of you pressing "post," this person has already commented on your status/picture/link. This truly baffles me. I am not judging how much time The InstaCommenter spends on Facebook, because people in social media houses shouldn't throw virtual stones. But how does this person react so fast? HOW? What's even more impressive/confusing is that this person, much like The Liker, moves swiftly and silently. They may not have had any activity on Facebook for six hours. But the moment you respond to their comment, there they are, ready with an InstaFollowUp. I can only imagine they have some kind of pager attached to their wrist at all times that alerts them to the exciting news that they can once again comment on a Facebook status. Or maybe they're psychic.


The Drama Llama:

My goodness, this person has a rough life. Or so they would lead you to believe. I am not the Facebook police. You can write what you want on your Facebook page. But there are some days where I see a Drama Llama and have to resist the urge to find a way to cut off their Internet access. You will recognize the Drama Llama because while their crisis will seem urgent and/or terrible, further inspection will show you that what they are experiencing is not, in fact, that big of a freakin' deal. The Drama Llama is crafty, and toys with your emotions using lots... of.... ellipses... to build up... ... ... suspense... before doing... a... big reveal IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. An experienced Drama Llama could make buying new shampoo a nail-biter of an event. It's hard to tell whether the Drama Llama is really this upset about a non-issue, or if they just really like typing sad faces. This is one of the mysteries of life that may never fully be solved.

The Nostalgic Stalker:

Have you ever gotten a notification that someone has liked or commented on a post, clicked to see the post, and been really confused for about thirty seconds before realizing said post is from 2009 and you barely remember writing it? That confusion is brought to you courtesy of the Nostalgic Stalker. Part of the blame has to lie with the silly Facebook newsfeed that shows you posts from two days ago and pretends they are new. But most of the blame lies with the Nostalgic Stalker as they scroll through your profile and acknowledge every post you have made in the last six months. Unlike The Liker and InstaCommenter, subtlety is not this person's strength. Oftentimes they refuse to acknowledge that any other events have passed since you posted whatever they are commenting on, resulting in gems like, "Hope your wedding is full of blessings!" three years after you get married. Have they not been on Facebook for several months? Do they think you might like to be reminded of the day you graduated college? It's hard to say why the Nostalgic Stalker does what they do. But one thing is certain - they will do it to you.

The Killjoy:

Oh, man. This person. This person bums me out just to write about, so you can imagine what running into one of them on Facebook is like. The Killjoy's main goal is to suck the life and fun out of every hilarious or uplifting thing you post. Writing out your favorite Bible verse and posting it as your status? The Killjoy will comment with a fun fact on how that verse is actually severely mistranslated and really does not mean anything close to what you thought. Want to post some lyrics of your favorite inspirational song? The Killjoy will link an article that explains the artist is now on meth and hates kittens. And heaven forbid you post something a little tongue-in-cheek as your status. The Killjoy does not do sarcasm. Any statuses about how you want to sell your baby online will result in lectures on how children are a precious gift, why DFACS does not want you to sell your children, and articles from parenting magazines about loving the moment. Don't be that person. No one likes that person. At all.

And there you go - the Five Types of Facebookers. They are real. They are out there. I have been all of these at one point or another, and - admit it - so have you. It's okay. We're here for you. But seriously, don't link parenting articles to my status. I will not have that nonsense. I will. not. have it.

Babies Are The Enemy

I hereby dedicate this post to Dawn W, who has requested some entertainment while feeding her twins at 4 am. She is so needy.


I've learned a lot about babies since Josh came home. I mean, I knew some stuff, but I had been concentrating on which bottles are best and when to let your baby try solid food. You know, the stuff that everyone tells you about. I didn't know that I should have been researching ways to combat the sinister tactics of the micro-preemie terrorist and their extensive array of weaponry. I should have been studying their tactics and battle plans, their offensive strategies and impeccable timing. It's too late for me. But it might not be for you. This knowledge is my gift to you. Read it and use it well.

We all know babies are cute and cuddly, right? Wrong. Babies just want you to think they are cute and cuddly. They grab your finger and coo and bat their teeny tiny eyelashes at you and you just know you've found love. Do not fall for this trap. This is merely one of the many ways they are trying to get you closer to them. The object of this exercise is to get your face close enough to vomit on - or, heaven help you, your mouth close enough to vomit in. Once you are drawn to their web, they will re-gift their lunch to you in a spectacular fashion reminiscent of a Fourth of July fireworks celebration. Sometimes they act pitiful after they spit up. This is another trap. They are asking for more cuddles so they can restart this vicious cycle.

Another lie babies love to tell you is that farting is adorable. Babies are so tiny that pretty much everything they do appears adorable to the untrained adult. This includes farting, otherwise known as tooting, princess air, passing gas, and in the Flerl family, sitting on a frog. Babies give a little toot and you giggle, delighting over how hilarious flatulence is when it comes from such a tiny little bottom. This is yet another attempt to get you to let your guard down. The end goal for these babies is to present you with a surprise dirty diaper at 3:45 in the morning. See, if you get used to the little farts, you start to automatically assume that each time a smell wafts your direction, your perfect little cutie has just tooted again and you laaaaugh and laugh. Then, when you're the absolute sleepiest and must go back to bed before you fall over dead, they fill up that diaper and trick you into thinking it's only a little gas, thus ensuring the diaper will overfill and spill onto their clothes, the changing table, and basically everything you own.

The final and perhaps most terrifying way babies trick you is to pretend to be asleep and then scream at the most inopportune time possible. For instance, the other day my sweet baby was sleeping in his Rock N Play and and I was napping on the couch. He woke up and cried. It was a little early for his bottle but I thought maybe he was hungry. I got up to check on him. He was sound asleep. Hmmm. I went back to the couch and was juuuuuust about to fall asleep when he cried again. I waited to see if this one was fake, too. He kept crying so I got up. I looked at him and he was asleep again. I turned around and had literally just pulled the covers on me when he cried again. I went to him and - sing it if you know it - he was asleep. So I stood over him for a few minutes, thinking he would wake up again and I could give him his bottle. Nope. He slept with me standing over him for a solid five minutes. I walked over to the couch and had barely touched the cushion before he opened his eyes wide and screamed. Then I saw it. It was barely noticeable but it was there. A tiny, evil smile in the corner of his mouth. He knew what he was doing. And he was enjoying it.

So what can you do about these terrorist babies and their lies, tricks, and gas? Nothing. They are too crafty. As soon as you figure out their plan, they develop a new plan. If you try to prevent their evil ways, they just use other evil ways to thwart you. They. Can. Not. Be. Stopped. But you can prepare. Do your research. Know your baby. Exercise. And, for the love of humanity, buy a gas mask. That stuff is foul.