Babies Are The Enemy

I hereby dedicate this post to Dawn W, who has requested some entertainment while feeding her twins at 4 am. She is so needy.


I've learned a lot about babies since Josh came home. I mean, I knew some stuff, but I had been concentrating on which bottles are best and when to let your baby try solid food. You know, the stuff that everyone tells you about. I didn't know that I should have been researching ways to combat the sinister tactics of the micro-preemie terrorist and their extensive array of weaponry. I should have been studying their tactics and battle plans, their offensive strategies and impeccable timing. It's too late for me. But it might not be for you. This knowledge is my gift to you. Read it and use it well.

We all know babies are cute and cuddly, right? Wrong. Babies just want you to think they are cute and cuddly. They grab your finger and coo and bat their teeny tiny eyelashes at you and you just know you've found love. Do not fall for this trap. This is merely one of the many ways they are trying to get you closer to them. The object of this exercise is to get your face close enough to vomit on - or, heaven help you, your mouth close enough to vomit in. Once you are drawn to their web, they will re-gift their lunch to you in a spectacular fashion reminiscent of a Fourth of July fireworks celebration. Sometimes they act pitiful after they spit up. This is another trap. They are asking for more cuddles so they can restart this vicious cycle.

Another lie babies love to tell you is that farting is adorable. Babies are so tiny that pretty much everything they do appears adorable to the untrained adult. This includes farting, otherwise known as tooting, princess air, passing gas, and in the Flerl family, sitting on a frog. Babies give a little toot and you giggle, delighting over how hilarious flatulence is when it comes from such a tiny little bottom. This is yet another attempt to get you to let your guard down. The end goal for these babies is to present you with a surprise dirty diaper at 3:45 in the morning. See, if you get used to the little farts, you start to automatically assume that each time a smell wafts your direction, your perfect little cutie has just tooted again and you laaaaugh and laugh. Then, when you're the absolute sleepiest and must go back to bed before you fall over dead, they fill up that diaper and trick you into thinking it's only a little gas, thus ensuring the diaper will overfill and spill onto their clothes, the changing table, and basically everything you own.

The final and perhaps most terrifying way babies trick you is to pretend to be asleep and then scream at the most inopportune time possible. For instance, the other day my sweet baby was sleeping in his Rock N Play and and I was napping on the couch. He woke up and cried. It was a little early for his bottle but I thought maybe he was hungry. I got up to check on him. He was sound asleep. Hmmm. I went back to the couch and was juuuuuust about to fall asleep when he cried again. I waited to see if this one was fake, too. He kept crying so I got up. I looked at him and he was asleep again. I turned around and had literally just pulled the covers on me when he cried again. I went to him and - sing it if you know it - he was asleep. So I stood over him for a few minutes, thinking he would wake up again and I could give him his bottle. Nope. He slept with me standing over him for a solid five minutes. I walked over to the couch and had barely touched the cushion before he opened his eyes wide and screamed. Then I saw it. It was barely noticeable but it was there. A tiny, evil smile in the corner of his mouth. He knew what he was doing. And he was enjoying it.

So what can you do about these terrorist babies and their lies, tricks, and gas? Nothing. They are too crafty. As soon as you figure out their plan, they develop a new plan. If you try to prevent their evil ways, they just use other evil ways to thwart you. They. Can. Not. Be. Stopped. But you can prepare. Do your research. Know your baby. Exercise. And, for the love of humanity, buy a gas mask. That stuff is foul.