The One-Upper

Have you ever been in a conversation where you say something so innocent, so non-confrontational that you are thinking of high-fiving yourself for your awesome conversation skills, only to be brought down moments later by the one person who just had to "go there"? 

I have.

And so have you.

We have all come into contact with this person. We have all rolled our eyes, held our tongues, and utilized stress balls as a direct result of this person.

So who is this person?

It's the One-Upper. 

Sound familiar? Sure it does. This is the person who, upon hearing that you think it's hot outside, immediately says, "You think THIS is hot?? I used to live inside a volcano. You don't know hot until you've lived inside a volcano."

Oh. Em. Gee. That makes me want to pull my hair out.

Or how about this one: Do you ever complain about something to a friend, only to have him or her say, "That's terrible! That's almost as bad as the time I was attacked by a rabid mutant squirrel and lost all of my limbs." Dude. I am just looking for a little support, here. Sorry about your limbs, though.

Here's the thing: When I say it's hot outside, or rainy, or silly, or rainbow-y, I am not throwing down the one-up gauntlet. Really. It is not a challenge. It is not a judgment. It is not a hat. I like hats. I wish it was a hat. It isn't me accusing you of being a moron because you clearly don't understand your surroundings.

I am just making a freaking observation. 

Now, there are times when the One-Upper's attitude can be useful. For instance, if a smarmy butt-face that you know says something like, "I beat all the levels of Mario Kart in two hours" and then smirks at you, it's perfectly acceptable to say, "Oh, really? Took you that long? I did it in ONE HOUR" and then walk away in slo-mo to the rock song of your choosing.

But in general, regular, everyday conversation, no. Just no. And this includes all your basic social media, texting, smoke signals, etc. It's hard to resist, I know. When you see someone on Facebook complain about how hard math class is when you've just had a baby, or run a marathon with one leg, or fought off a manic zebra with only your wits and your trusty jackknife on you while simultaneously reciting the pledge to the flag because you are that dedicated to being an American AND you save a Girl Scout Troop from certain zebra death, it is hard not to write something, anything, to talk about your day and subsequent awesomeness.

That's why you have your own Facebook/MySpace/Xanga/Word Document. Highlight your glories there. Don't go deflate some college kid who has no idea what life is really about.

You don't want to be the One-Upper, anyway. In person it's annoying, but over texting or Facebook you just sound sad. And then people shake their heads and say things like, "Poor Susie. Still obsessed with her volcano. We'll pray for her. Bless her heart."

Listen to Kristen. She knows more than you things.

A Few Thoughts on Etiquette

As you have all likely noticed by now, I am the epitome of grace and dignity. And as a public service to you, I have decided to highlight a few less-than-classy things that just really bug the crap out of me. Imagine I said that last sentence in a British accent and it will seem much classier.

1) When people say "You know <insert tidbit here>, right?"
No, I don't know. If I knew, would you have just had to tell me? Probably not. Plus there is no way to say that without looking like a complete tool. And it takes 5x as long as just TELLING me to begin with. Quit it. Quit it. 

2) When people say "Ew, what you're eating looks gross." That might be true. But I still have to eat it. And now I am sad. And hungry. I'm sadgry : ( If you are going to say that you automatically have to buy me lunch. I'm pretty sure it's a law.

3) Aol.com email addresses. It's 2012.

4) When someone constantly looks at something else on your person while they are talking to you. Do I have something in my teeth? Is my bra strap showing? Am I bleeding from my eyes? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS.

5) Orange Skittles.

6) When someone announces that you are in the bathroom during a company meeting. Everyone poops. But my CEO doesn't need to know about it.

6a) When I misspell the word "etiquette" so that even after I fix it the url still has it spelled wrong. Fail.

7) When lists end abruptly.

I like to keep everything fair and legal, so in the interest of full disclosure, I did not take this picture. 

How to not be successful

There are a lot of books out there on how to be successful, how to move up in the world, how to make sure you're the awesomest, blah blah blah. But there isn't very much on how to not be successful. This may not seem like something you would want to research, but think again: If your goal is to be unsuccessful, and you achieve that, then are you not in fact successful? I know that probably just blew your mind so take a moment and ponder it. I'll wait.

Welcome back. Yes, it's true: By purposely being unsuccessful, you can be both unsuccessful and successful at the same time. So here are some tips on how to achieve this goal. You're welcome.

1) Never shower. Ever. This one is not for sissies - you can't shower like once a week. You have to stop cold-turkey. This will ensure that no one will want to get within four feet of you and therefore you will have no friends or life skills. You can Febreze once a month if you must.

2) Develop an obnoxious laugh. I don't mean like an annoying giggle. I mean full-out, AHHHH MY EARS, please make it stop, even The Nanny is better than this laugh. I would recommend changing pitches frequently and without warning for the ultimate obnoxious laugh. You may also want to throw in some snorting to really seal the deal.

3) Only wear yellow. No one looks good enough in yellow to wear it all the time. And make sure each article of clothing is a different shade of yellow, like one got washed too many times or left in your car. Also consider purchasing yellow sunglasses.

4) Carry a spray bottle with you everywhere you go. Spray people with it as you please. The more important the person the better. Bonus points if you spray a celebrity.

5) Point out flaws in children, especially babies. "Aww, Susie is so cute. Except for her nose - that is just horrifying. Pretty eyes, though. If you like green." This is really important if you hang out with a lot of mothers.

So there you have it. How to not be successful - a gift from me to you. You might be thinking to yourself, "This isn't Kristen's strongest post." And you're right. Because I EXCEL at being unsuccessful. Boo-yah.

Being Ugly

When I was about 7, I played soccer. I can wait here for a moment if you want to recover from the shock of that sentence, but it's true - I played soccer voluntarily and I have the awkward pictures to prove it. My favorite year was when I on the Purple Cobras team - besides having an awesome name, we were actually pretty decent. We were going to be able to go to the playoffs/championships/whatever happens in soccer if we won just one more game. We tried our best, but we could only tie, and in the end the other team had had a better season so they got to go to the next round (for the love of all that is holy, someone please tell me what it's called in soccer).

We were so disappointed, and I remember some of the girls on the other team had not been the most gracious winners. This prompted a time-honored tradition: a bunch of girls talking smack about the girls that wronged them. The highlights of the conversation were how the other team had obviously cheated and how they had probably only won because they had stupid ponytails.

I was getting a few good insults in when my mother broke away from the group she was talking to, pulled me aside, and said only, "You are being ugly." Before you call retro-active DFACS, my mother was not commenting on the rockin' shade of purple we got to wear that year, or the matching, perfectly round purple glasses I was sporting. She wasn't even talking about my giant hairbow, which I think would have been acceptable because that thing was pretty gross-looking. That was my mom's way of telling my siblings and me that we were being mean or rude, and that we were to stop it.

I grew up with that phrase being said so often that it never occurred to me to think about it - it always equated in my head with "Don't be mean" and that was that. But I think there's more to it than that. Or less, depending on how you look at it.

When I am mean, I am ugly. When I disrespect my parents, I am ugly. When I cut someone off in traffic or gossip about them or break a promise to them, I am ugly. When I judge someone and silently thank God that I am obviously so much better off, I am ugly. When I am doing anything but living for Jesus, I am ugly. I am ugly and there is no way to hide it. We all hear that beauty comes from the inside. I think the same goes for ugliness. Because it doesn't matter how many great things we've done in a day, or how often we deign to be nice to someone we don't really thinks deserve it - without Jesus, we are ugly. Even with Jesus, we can be ugly (see soccer story above...) when we forget to show His love to others. And it seems almost silly to say, because even as I'm writing this it just seems so obvious. But for something so obvious, I sure do have trouble living it. Being ugly is easy. Being pretty is hard. But I think it's worth the effort.

Anyway. I just wanted to share that. And to, you know, call you ugly.

PS Shout-out to Miss Thelma, who is definitely not ugly and who a) called me perfect today and b) told me she actually reads this... thanks, Miss Thelma! If any of you see her at church, give her a high-five and some candy.