Welcome to the Elevelds'

Daniel and I are going on vacation for <UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT OF TIME> at <UNDISCLOSED LOCATION>. Yay! In order to allow our cats to live while we do this, we are asking some friends to come over and make sure there is enough food, water, people to glare at, etc.

When we watched the house/cats for one of these friends, she thoughtfully put together a very helpful information sheet with details about the cats, her house, contact information, and more! I've decided to return the favor:

WELCOME TO THE ELEVELDS'.

Hello, Monica and LeeAnn. Thank you for watching our cats. We've spoken to them about it and they're all sorts of excited about seeing you. They might look angry but that is just their love language. Below are a few ground rules and expectations regarding your time with our feline friends. Please let me know if you have any questions.

~ As Monica's house is clean enough to perform surgery in at any given time, and LeeAnn could organize the home of a group of wild blind orphan monkeys, I expect my house will not be quite as "clean" or "mold-free" as you're used to. We think it adds personality. If, however, this is a serious issue for you, please feel free to clean at any time. We have some Tide-to-Go sticks in the pantry. They might be old.

~ You might notice loose change on the floor, dryer, counter, etc. Please do not remove this change from the surface on which you find it. We are firm believers in being prepared for an emergency and at any given time can access at least $1.17 just by walking down the hallway.

~ We have two cats. One is large enough to pull a covered wagon while the other one is so small we often have to play "Marco! Polo!" in order to ascertain her whereabouts. Feel free to play with with her. Or just let her stay lost. She seems to like it.

~ To feed them, we put food into a big bowl. The little cat, Robin, is absolutely not kidding around when it comes to getting her meals so we find a larger bowl keeps the bloodshed down to a minimum. The big bowl lives on top of the washer. The food also lives there. We don't do a ton of laundry.

~ We give them water in an even BIGGER bowl. This is usually because the dog shares it with them. Also because we forget to give them water every day so we find it best to give them a few days' worth at a time, just in case. Feel free to report us to the animal agency of your choice.

~ As Daniel works with lots of small metal pieces, you will likely find these everywhere in the house. I vacuumed as far as the cord would stretch, which is the living room and about half the hallway, so you should be safe until then. If being barefoot is very important to you, you will find paper towels in the kitchen and can make a path throughout the house that is free of small metal dangers.

~ Strewn throughout the house you will find many weapons and accessories, including but not limited to: two swords, a machete, various guns, a bow and arrow, possibly another machete, a few Japanese scary sticks, several airsoft guns, and enough bullets to supply a military bunker. If any of these make you uncomfortable, I recommend playing with them for a while to get used to them. The broadsword is especially fun.

~ We can't find the remote. Let us know if you see it.

~ We only have two cats. A third one hangs out on our porch sometimes. It looks like Batman, the fat cat. It is NOT Batman. Do not attempt any cuddling. It doesn't like cuddling. Only our porch.

~ Please note my talent at carefully arranging our pictures to be "eclectically organized." You can tell me in person how much you loved it, or leave a note/gift that conveys your level of envy at my mad decorating skillz.

I think that's it for now. Please review this list carefully and see me with any questions. We have nothing but peanut butter and I think some Pringles but it's all yours for the taking! Thank you for your service to your friends, your country, and your local domestic pets.

~Kristen and Daniel

Please note the trash in both the left and right corners of the picture. 

Dr. Quinn, Time Traveler

Okay, I know a lot of you might be ready to call for an intervention with me and the Dr. Quinn watching. But I'm so close to the end of the series! And then I'll re-watch it all. Just stick it out with me a littttttle longer and I promise it is going to be GREAT. And I just had an amazing idea... You should all go watch it, too! We could have a party and bond over the good doctor and her crazy, crazy, shenanigans! Come onnnnnn.

Moving on, as I go about these later episodes of Dr. Quinn, a bit of a faux pas has come to my attention. No, it's not the blatant historical errors or the same storyline occurring 17 times in a row. It's the fact that apparently, Dr. Quinn is living in 1996 and not 1872.

Do you remember Little House on the Prairie? My mother-in-law will probably disown me if she finds this out, but I have seen nearly every episode of that show, too. That is a direct result of my mother's love of that show, so you can see the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But when you watch LHotP, you notice one distinctive quality that every other episode centers around: the town is po'. The only ones with any money are the doctor and the mercantile owner, and the rest of the town is lucky to be wearing shoes on any given day. They have famine and locusts and fires and Mary goes blind. The parents take turn eating so their 47308 kids can have a crumb now and then. When someone is sick, they're up a plum creek, and might hang on for a few more guest appearances. The train costs approximately half of their life savings to ride.

Switch over to Dr. Quinn. Every single one of these people has money. Even the extremely poor people have enough money to fund their business, adopt 2.5 children, and get them doctored by Dr. Quinn. Silly things like diphtheria and loss of limb and smallpox have little to no effect on these people, and if they are affected it's only for about 60 minutes. They all ride the train 12 times a day, losing a spouse or child is pretty passe because they were probably only a guest star anyway, and the episodes that don't end in song end in Dr. Quinn smiling over her awesome kids and her awesome, rich life. Her husband doesn't even have a job right now and yet they are considering an addition to the homestead for when the baby gets older.

This puzzled me, until I figured it out: Dr. Quinn is clearly a time traveler who has brought all of these people and their money with her back to the 1870s for fun. That would explain why the mercantile is always having sales and why every single business owner wears a gold chain on their vest. It would also explain why she suddenly has knowledge of diseases that mayyy or may have not have been discovered until the 1900s. And why their chief Native American actor is named Larry Sellers.

Time-traveling. You never see it coming until it sews your arm back on with a laser beam.