The Cat Diaries

Based on my cat's behavior the last few months with us, this is how I picture his diary (and don't even tell me he doesn't have one; I SAW it underneath the litter box):

Day 1: 


There are a lot of strangers here. I'm now all alone because my mom got scared after hearing just one tiny gunshot. Honestly. I knew right then that this was the neighborhood for me. Plus I like scary apartments. I look more menacing here next to these tiny stairs. 


I'VE BEEN SPOTTED. One of the humans has began to... cuddle me. Ugh. Maybe she'll think I'm diseased and won't want me.


Day 30: 


I've been a prisoner for quite some time now. The human had a friend, and together they made me take a bath. A BATH. I have never been so humiliated. I shall attack their toilet paper as soon as they go to sleep. Yesss, yesss, you can run, toilet paper, but you can't hide. Muahahahaaaaa.


Day 120:


This isn't working. The humans insist on taking pictures of me and putting them on the Facebook. I tried throwing up on their carpet. That angered them for a minute but then we were back to cuddling as if nothing had ever happened. I have now destroyed twelve rolls of toilet paper to no avail. I must think of another plan soon.


I'VE GOT IT. I will swallow something and make them take me to that insufferable vet - and when they open the door, I will ESCAPE! Muahaha - wait, what's this? They are tying some kind of string to me! They are putting me in a box! How will I ever escape now?? My plans have been foiled again.


Day 121: 


This is was a bad idea. My tummy hurts.


Day 150: 


Well, I survived the string ordeal. But now the humans have taken away all my favorite playthings - twisty ties, paper clips, and worst of all, the ponytail holders. Oh, how I miss you, ponytail holders. They even found my secret stash. But I am strong. I will prevail.


Day 151:


An Ode to Ponytail Holders


Oh, holders of the ponytail
How I love you so.
You are so stretchy
And yet
Soft.
I long for you like a cat longs for catnip.
And hope that someday
We may be together
Again.


Day 180:


The humans have relocated me. At first I thought this was my chance to escape once again, but, alas, no. They are trying to trick me into complacency by giving me my own room to play in and a really cool snake to chase... must... not... be... distracted... by... the... sn


Day 195


THEY GOT A DOG.


Day 196:


IT WANTS TO EAT ME.


Day 215:


VICTORY!!!!! I have finally escaped this terrible place. Now I will go on to make great discoveries and take exciting journeys. I am free, as free as the wind on a cool summer's day. Goodbye, humans. Goodbye, dog.


Day 215:


They caught me. I give up.


Day 220:


They may be able to keep me here. But  I will not be denied. They want a cat? Fine - they've got one. Now I must go sharpen my claws to ensure maximum scratching potential. Let's see how they sleep with me jumping on them all night. MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA