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Saturday, March 30, 2013

5 weeks, 1 day

Yes, I have resorted to naming my posts based on how much time we've spent in the NICU. I'm sleepy and have no creativity left. But my socks are neon pink and orange with stripes so think about those if you need any excitement in your life.

My last update was kind of a bummer. Joshua had had a really rough week. This week he is doing much better - he even got off the vent! He is now on a fancy new machine, the NIPPV. We call it the Nip-Vee because it sounds funnier that way but you're supposed to say each of the letters. Anyway, the Nip-Vee is the step between the CPAP and ventilator - the Switzerland of the group, if you will. It gives Joshua a specific number of breaths but he has to do most of the work on his own if he wants candy. He's tolerating it very well and looks like a stormtrooper again with his mask over his face.

But, Kristen, you're probably thinking, What about you?

Oh, thank you for asking. You're too kind.

I'm doing okay. When I last wrote, I told you how I was feeling numb to everything and how it was kind of a relief. I've stopped doing that now. Well, it kind of comes and goes. Some days I feel numb. Some days I feel like I could win an Oscar for the amount of emotion I display. It's very weird. I never know what will make me cry. The other day I cried over the color yellow. Yellow, people. It's an emotionally abusive color.

So I guess it's kind of a lateral move, but it's a move at any rate. And speaking of moving, we did that this weekend, too. I am listening to a bunch of guys make construction jokes as they hang up cabinets in our new kitchen.

I think that is what has been hardest this week. 6 weeks ago we had just celebrated Valentine's Day. I was worrying about where to put the crib in the baby's room but I knew I had plenty of time to figure it out. I was planning a weekend trip to celebrate our anniversary and figuring out if I needed to get just one or two more maternity tops for the hotter months.

And in an hour, that all changed. Every single bit of it. Our lives did a complete 180 the moment I was sent to the hospital Friday morning.

We keep hearing how lucky we are to meet our son so early and how wonderful it is that he's doing so well. People encourage us to look at the silver lining. I want to see the silver lining. I really do. And there have been a lot of blessings through this and everyone has been so supportive. But I feel abandoned by God.

I hate that because it feels so incredibly selfish, especially on Easter weekend when we're celebrating Jesus' ultimate sacrifice for us. I know everything belongs to God and that He is good no matter what the circumstances are. But these days I feel so far from Him. I have been praying for other people but God and I both know I'm keeping everything at the least personal level I can. I want to stop that because I know it isn't right. Life isn't fair and that has always been true.

I just want things to be the way they were, when our baby was healthy and our lives made more sense. I want to go back to worrying about whether the doctors on Grey's Anatomy are really going to buy the hospital and how many newborn outfits Josh will really need because he might grow out of them too fast. This just wasn't the plan.

I know I can't go back. Only forward. My sister-in-law wisely pointed out that looking back only turns you into a pillar of salt. Soon this plan will make sense. Someday I will understand. And until then I'll just keep a lot of tissues nearby and eat Easter candy.

By the way, the doctors on Grey's Anatomy DID buy the hospital. I didn't want to leave you hanging.

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