These last few days I've been feeling kind of down. There are a lot of changes happening and each one has felt harder and harder to deal with. Yesterday a jar that I don't even like that much fell and shattered. I was surprised at how mad I was over it. I think these days I'm just so coo-coo that every little thing sets me off. Fear me.
No, no, I kid, don't fear me.
Today, though, as I was snuggled up with Joshua in my arms, I realized there was one thing I had skipped right over during this entire thing - the overwhelming joy of knowing I have a beautiful baby boy.
When I first saw Josh, I was just so relieved that he was alive that I didn't really take time to marvel over what a miracle he was. And each day after that brought new challenges and I just never took the time to think about how incredible it is that I have a son.
When I was holding him, it suddenly hit me: An overwhelming feeling of love and pride and joy for the tiny two-pound baby in my arms. My baby.
I love it when he's awake and I can see his big, bright eyes. I love it when Daniel says something and Josh immediately looks for Daniel, and, when he finds him, stares at him forever. I love that he has my nose and lips - it's so cool to see part of me in him. I love that when he sneezes he looks utterly confused and looks around like he might find whatever made that happen.
I love to hear him cry. He gets so mad and he cries and it's just so incredible to hear. He's so loud now they can hear him all the way at the main desk in his pod. And I love how his whole body turns red every time he gets mad. I probably shouldn't laugh at that but he looks like a little tomato.
I love seeing his little personality develop. I know that while so many babies like to keep their hands tucked in, it makes Joshua mad when I move his from his face. When I hold him, he likes to drop his head straight back, mouth wide open, and sleep that way. His numbers are always better when he does that so it works for me. I know when he puts his hand up for a teeny high five that he is really telling me he needs to be cuddled and loved because he feels upset.
I love his little fingers and toes and knees and elbows. Everything is so tiny. He has tiny strawberry blond eyebrows (could be a red head, Papa Mike!) and tiny blond lashes and fuzzy hair all over his head. I think it's dark but Daniel says it's blond. Only time will tell :) I love that he can fit into doll's clothes and that he wears the world's tiniest diaper. I love that he is smaller than a beanie baby.
There is a lot that's gone on these last few weeks. It's been hard. But when I look at Joshua, it doesn't matter.
All that matters is how very much I love him.