One Month

Tomorrow it will be Joshua's one month birthday. Hold. The. Phone. How is that even possible? Have we really been doing this for a month?

Yes. Yes, we have. Some days it feels much longer. Some days it feels impossible that so much time has already gone by. Some days I still expect to wake up and find out this has all been a dream of the Wizard of Oz variety. And some days I feel a little lost on how to feel.

Today is one of those days. This week was a tough one - we dealt with the aspiration episode and then the infection and all sorts of fun stuff. Seriously, you should get one of these NICU babies. They're a riot. But even with everything that's happened, I'm not sad. I'm not scared. I was only upset for a few minutes when the doctor called to tell me that Josh had choked on his formula.

Normally this kind of event would mean I am sitting in my pajamas, scaring my mother with my sad, dark blog and eating cookie dough in the dark. But while I am in my pajamas (and they are CUTE), it's really just because it's nighttime and not because I'm all depressed. This blog isn't scary (yet, muahahaaa), and I just remembered I have cookie dough in the fridge...hmmm...

What was I saying?

Oh, right. Feelings.

I've always been a bit of a Debbie Downer (wah, wah, wahhhhh). I can get a gnarly 'tude and be a little bit defeatist in times like these. In general I am not a glass half full kind of gal, despite my super-duper cheerful appearance. But for the first time ever, being Debbie is helping me. I am able to manage my expectations by remembering how far we have to go. Any progress Josh makes is fantastic and I am thrilled to pieces over it. But I can't go up and down and up and down and reverse and sideways and up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, etc. It's too much. So instead I'm staying as neutral as I can. I don't know how else to do it. And so far it's helping.

Wanna know what has inspired my newfound perspective? Oh, come on, you do.

It's the X-Files.

Do not adjust your monitor. The X-Files is the key to NICU life.

There is an episode of X-Files called X Cops where the show COPS follows Mulder and Scully around as they try to solve the case of a monster in a small city. The monster feeds off fear and at the end (spoiler alert... from 2002), the sheriff's deputy is trapped with the monster and starts to flip out. Mulder finds him and says the following inspirational words:

"You're a sheriff's deputy! And you're on national television so cowboy up!!!"

Cowboy up. Is that not the most amazing way to say "put your big girl panties on and deal with it"? I think it's magical. It sounds cool AND you immediately get the mental image of a cowboy (or girl, if you like) saddling up on his horse and riding into battle. Or wherever cowboys go.

There will be days where I will be extra sad. There will be days where I will be extra happy. But regardless of the day, I will cowboy up and deal with it. And since I also called myself Debbie Downer earlier, I hereby christen myself Cowboy Debbie.

All hail.

Baby Cowboy Debbie