The 3 Greatest Tips for Wedding Planning.

A lot of people I know are really passionate or excited about a particular subject. Sports, for instance, is a big one. Crafts is another. These are both totally foreign to me but I say more power to you if you dig it.

For a long time, I didn't feel that anything was particularly my passion. Sure, I love to write, but that's just fun. And, sure, I am the Mario Kart champion, but trophies are much harder to cling to when you can only see them if the Wii is turned on.

Then my sister got married. And I discovered something:

I love weddings.

Since my sister's wedding, I have been in a lot of weddings. A lot. Like, 10. You wish I were exaggerating. And for every single one, I loved to hear about the colors and the cake and the ideas and the hugs and the candy and I love candy and do you have any candy?

All of these things have combined to make me an expert on the ways of the wedding. I cover many specialties, from Wettinquette to... well, this is only my second post on the subject. But for my THIRD one I'll have two links to share with you. Can you stand the anticipation?

This particular compendium of knowledge will bring to you The 3 Greatest Tips For Wedding Planning.  Are you ready for this? I SAID, ARE YOU READY FOR THIS. Good.

1) Understand that while your wedding is perfect in your head, no one else is in there. Hopefully.

This is a tough one for a lot of bridal homies. In your mind you can just see it all: The lime green and neon yellow polka-dot bridesmaid dresses, flowers the color of the sun and a matching squeaky toy for your dog, who will be serving as ring-bearer. And that is all fine and dandy. But you need to bring those around you into your head. Help them BE the vision. BE the vision. BE... the... vision...

Basically what that means is help people out. When they ask you if you meant marigold yellow, say NO (politely) if that isn't your vision. And then maybe take it a step further and google some examples or give another crayon shade that more closely matches the colors you need. In short, don't expect people to be mind readers. The whole process will be a lot faster if you can be clear from the beginning.

2) Know that if you ask for opinions, you will get them. 

In college, a friend of mine I'd known for a while was getting married. I asked how things were going and she said that her bridesmaids hated the color of their dresses. I asked her how she knew and she said she asked them in an email and they told her. She went on to reveal that no one had actually purchased these dresses, but she had sent out a picture and asked what they thought.

Now. I've said before that I think if the bride walks up to you and says, "Guess WHAT?! I found purple miniskirts on sale and in EVERYONE'S SIZE YAYYYYYY!" it is not your place to then say "Ughhhhhhhhh, puuuuuuuuuuuurple is uuuuuuuuugggggggllllllyyyyy." But if she emailed you a picture asking for your opinion? I think you have the right to give it to her. Nicely. Do not send back a picture of dog doo to convey your thoughts.

So, all you brides or brides-to-be out there, understand something now: If you build it, they will come. No, that wasn't it. Maybe it was Shake and shake the ketchup bottle; none will come, and then a lot'll. Still doesn't sound right. I know! It was If you ask for someone's opinion be prepared to hear their opinion. Like, for real. 

3) Abuse your friends and their wedding knowledge. 

They say it's all about who you know. For weddings, this is really, really, really true. Really. If you are anywhere from 20 to 30 years old, a friend of yours is getting married somewhere. Trust me. Sorry if you weren't invited. But they are getting married and this is your chance to make them work for you: Get recommendations of vendors, ideas, and everything. 

For rizzle. This might be the single most important step of wedding planning. The woman who made the cake for my wedding was recommended by a friend and then my sister. She had a ton of references, pictures and delicious slices for you to taste. And she turned out to be awesome. 

Or the guy who took our pictures, Allen. That guy knows how to take a picture. He was recommended to me by The Carl House, where we got married. (Daniel and me, not Allen and me).  And he was faaaabaulous. He also recommended our amazing videographer. Our florist was recommended by friends and my sister (do you see that I kind of stalked my sister's wedding when I planned my own? LEARN FROM ME.). As a result, we got a ton of top-notch people who knew what they were doing and made it fun to boot. That's a funny phrase, "to boot." Anyway, do this. Seriously. Your wedding will be awesome.

Or just go to Vegas.

Curiouser and curiouser

"Honey?" my loving husband called to me from the kitchen the other day. "Did you put a box of Band-Aids in the fridge?"

I thought about it for a minute. "No, I don't think so. Why?"

"Because I found a box of Band-Aids in the fridge," he answered as he shut the fridge door.

"Oh."

And that was that. A few hours later I opened the fridge for some water Diet Coke and saw the box of Band-Aids still sitting on the shelf. I thought about moving them, but my Diet Coke was waiting. So I shut the door and told myself I would get them later.

They're still in there. That conversation happened about 5 days ago. Why mess with a good thing?

"We're getting cold in here."

The Lawn Mower

If you passed by my house yesterday between 8:30 and 9:30 pm, you might have seen some very strange things.

You might have seen a woman negotiating with her dog and pleading with him not to get out of the fence.

You might have seen her successfully distract the dog with a stick, not knowing that she still had 3 more cycles of this to go. Stupid fence.

You might have seen the woman drag the lawn mower out of the fence, carefully follow the instruction her father gave her, and pull on the cord with all her might.

You then would have seen her stomp her foot because IT ISN'T WORKING AND SHE WAS FOLLOWING ALL OF THE DIRECTIONS AND

Then you would have seen her remember the last step. Victory!

You might have noticed that she has no idea how to cut a pattern in the grass with the lawn mower and that she takes the approach of "God's will be done with the yard" as she begins to push the mower up and down.

Then you could have seen her get to the driveway, and decide if the mower could cross it without damaging the... mowery parts. She decided she needed to turn it off.

She was wrong.

You might have then seen her attempt to restart the mower over and over and over and over and over and over and over until she looked like Billy Blanks from Tae Bo, except with less muscles and way more sweat.

You then would have noticed her drag the lawn mower up to the house, negotiate with the dog to get back inside the fence, and change clothes because if she was going to make a fool of herself in front of a busy street, she was going to be comfortable.

You might have seen that her tank top was completely and utterly see-through. She, however, did not see this until she got back inside. You're welcome, people of Lawrenceville.

You would have wondered about her sanity when she kicked the lawn mower and sat in the grass.

It would have made a little more sense when you saw her husband come home and help her figure out the problem, and saw her glee at having her power over the lawn restored.

You then could have sat back for the next 3 million hours as the woman slowly but surely made her way around the yard, going in a pattern that only she could see. Kind of. It was dark.

You might have stopped to wonder why a grown woman was running with a lawn mower, alternately laughing and trying not to throw up. If you had just ASKED you would have known that she decided walking was too boring and running would be more fun. She was right, by the way.

And if you drove by this morning, you would see a shorter, albeit uneven, yard, mowed with the determination of one who has learned her lesson about asking her husband if he will let her mow the lawn just this once. 

She should have used this instead

Ode to Crap

Oh, massive amounts of crap in my house
How you fill my heart with apprehension
You hide my favorite shirts
And yet
I can find my marching band t-shirt again and again
Why do you do this, mess in my house?
Have I wronged you in some fashion?
It must be so
For why else would you
Keep my shoes from finding me
And clutter up my bathroom so
You win this round, crap in my house
But be forewarned:
I will return
With a vacuum