Wedding Etiquette - or as I like to call it, Weddinquette

We all know I am the resident expert on etiquette.  But what you might not know is that my expertise is not limited to just general etiquette; indeed, I am a multi-faceted diamond of etiquette wisdom. My particular skill set involves weddings. I'm not talking about whom to invite, which colors go with what season or how the invitation should face in the envelope (I do know that last one, thanks to my mom. I told you I was multi-faceted). No, these rules are much more sophisticated. Ahem.

1) You cannot "steal" a color from another bride. It's a color. Possibly one of the only things on the planet that no one owns and therefore cannot be stolen. I liked pink for my wedding. And then, a few weeks later, I went to another wedding where the bride also used pink. For. Shame. She knew I liked that color. She knew I used that color. She knew I had submitted the copyright to use that shade of pink 6 whole months before. And she didn't. even. care. But that worked out, because neither did I.

2) Getting married is not a race. It's not a competition. It might just be two people getting married - crazy, I know. So when you tell me that you're getting married in June even though I am getting married in July, the appropriate response from me is not OH MY GOODNESS ARE YOU SERIOUS I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'LL BE MARRIED FOR ONE WHOLE MONTH LONGER THAN ME I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIIIIIIIIENDS. It doesn't matter. Everyone just gets married as soon as they can. So if that means you're engaged for 3 months or 3 years, it is not a race. Repeat: It is not a race. Plus just because someone gets married before me doesn't mean they'll always be married longer than me. They could very well get hit by a bus or mauled by a bear. You just never know.

3) Do not talk about the bridal hairstyles you hate, the bridesmaids dresses you find tacky, or the bridesmaids shoes you cannot stand to wear to the bride - odds are very very very good that she has chosen all of these things for her bridesmaids and she is just about to show you a picture of all of it. Oops. This is the one area where I feel like the bride can get what she wants with no objections**. If I agree to be in your wedding, then I accept the fact that I might be wearing a neon purple miniskirt in the middle of winter. That's just how it works. For example, at my wedding, I used pink AND YOU BETTER NOT STEAL IT. Pink is not my sister's favorite color. (I know this because I know my sister, not because she complained.) However, she wore the dress and got the shoes and looked fabulous, might I add. So, in the words of Nike, when it comes to that stuff, Just Do It. **This does not include cost - not everyone can afford a $300 bridesmaid dress and that doesn't go with the bride getting whatever she wants rule. 

Ain't she perdy?

4) Go ahead and get over your aversion to the YMCA. It will happen. It's the only song that a bunch of white Southerners can dance to with a reasonable degree of skill. 

5) Finally, if you are going to "take notes" at someone else's wedding for your own wedding, that's fine. But please don't bring an actual notebook with you and really take notes. This is a true story. No names have been given to protect the innocent. But you know who you are. Not. Cool.

This has been K-Veld's special wedding report.