Last night Daniel and I went to the preemie parent support group. All the parents with babies in the NICU can come for dinner and discussion about how much it sucks to have a baby in the NICU. I thought it would be helpful. But I was wrong.
The other parents there were taking their babies home after being at Northside for 5, 6, 7 weeks. Don't get me wrong; I don't wish any ill will on them. But it's hard to get reminders over and over again on how much worse Josh is than so many babies here. I know he's so much better off than many of them. I know we're blessed to have him with us at all. But we've been here for three weeks and we'll be here eleven more.
I'm already so tired of being here. The nurses are great; Josh is getting the best care possible and he's doing pretty well. It's just exhausting. We come in here, we read to him, we change him, and then we just watch the nurses take care of him.
I think that is what's hardest to deal with. Josh doesn't need me. I'm sure he likes it when I hold him and read to him but at the end of the day I can't do anything but sit and watch other people help him. Last night he was having trouble with his oxygen and heart rate and I just had to sit and listen to his alarms go off. I couldn't do anything to help him.
People keep telling me I'm strong. I started to believe them because until last night this week was easy. We got nothing but good reports. It's easy to be strong and courageous when everything is going well. And then as soon as something went wrong, something that wasn't even that big of a deal, I lost it. I cried and despaired and that was it. I didn't even think to pray.
I'm not strong. I wish I was. I wish I was more faithful and hopeful and the kind of person who showed others what a walk with Jesus looks like. But I'm not. I'm just tired.
I'm so, so tired.
It's OK to cry. What you are dealing with is hard! Real hard. But God is good. And all the people who love you and Daniel and little Josh are praying for you to be strong. We don't judge you because you're tired and don't want to be there. So don't be ashamed to be human. Beth
ReplyDeletePlease, please, do not be so hard on yourself. God does not expect us to be fearless, that would not be human in these circumstances. Your honesty is amazing and I am sure it will help others going through difficult times. On top of everything Josh is going through, YOU have had physical and emotional and hormonal challenges, too. Of course you are exhausted. Be kind to yourself, it is the only want to get through this.
ReplyDeleteYou go ahead and cry. Crying does not mean you are weak, just the opposite. Crying is a release and a form of prayer as well. God understands what those tears mean and he 'hears' those prayers just as much as those that are said aloud.
ReplyDeleteYou might feel that he doesn't need you right now, but eventually he will need--well, really want--only you (sorry Daniel!). Eventually he'll be snuggled up against your chest slurping down milk like it's going out of style, and you'll smile at his tiny little face. And eventually you'll take him home and you'll be doing the majority of the feeding and burping and changing and bathing and rocking. And then one day he'll cry and refuse to calm down for anybody other than you. And then he'll be an opinionated toddler who clings to you when a stranger comes near. He might not NEED you right now but I promise you're still his favorite person. Nobody is more special to a baby than mommy. The longer he's there the more he'll need you, and by the end of that 11 weeks it will be mostly you and just a little bit of the nurses.
ReplyDeleteDon't think of it as Josh being "worse" than the other babies in the NICU. He's not worse, he's YOUNGER. He has more growing to do before he can go home. From my limited experience with preemies he's doing fantastically. Think of him as the smallest kid on a sports team. It may look like he's not as talented as the other kids, when really he's just as good--but he has to work harder to show it with his short little legs :)
Honey, you just said it often in your post - you are "so tired". We are designed to become exhausted - physically, mentally, and spiritually. How can you not be tired? The most fabulous Designer that has ever been, made YOU on purpose with a purpose, just as He did your precious son. He knows how you feel. And He also knows when you have nothing left.
ReplyDeleteThat's one of the most amazing, comforting things about our Designer: we do not even have to utter a word.
He knows.
And He is okay with that.
Rest well, sweet Mama.
It's ok to be tired. You will be, but you're very wrong about one thing, you can do something, He DOES need you, even if it's just feeling you near by, he knows. He does. He doesn't know his mommy is tired, but his spirit knows hes mommy is there.....Diva
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